Eye Surgery & Tears

Well, we knew today was going to have its challenges but the challenges that we faced were just not aligned with what we were expecting. After a hectic morning of getting Kira and Naia off to school, on "Picture Day" no less, we headed over to Texas Children's Hospital. Our arrival time was supposed to be 9:30 with surgery scheduled for 11:30. As usual, timing is always off so Lena's surgery didn't begin until a bit after 12:30. Because the morning was so crazy, Britt and I didn't get a chance to eat breakfast. Well, we could have but chose not to in front of Lena since she wasn't allowed to have any food or drink this morning. What we didn't realize was that we both needed to stay on the floor once we checked in and there wasn't any food or drinks allowed. It makes sense though. None of the kids scheduled for surgery could eat or drink so that'd be pretty cruel to have food and drinks all around.

However, Lena held up better than we did. She was in a great mood and spent most of her time playing and drawing pictures. We'd take turns with Mommy drawing a picture for her to color and then she would copy the picture on her own. At 6 years old, Lena has some skill! (She gets that from me!) Since I had talked to Lena about the upcoming surgery last Friday at our pre-op appointment, she was prepared and didn't have too many questions about what was happening. She was happy that she would not be "poked" while she was awake and that she got to choose a flavor for the mask that she would wear that would put her to sleep. She choose Bubble Gum flavor. :) All in all, the morning leading up to the surgery went fairly well- just long and void of food!

Lena's surgery took about an hour and a half. When Dr. Edmond came out after the procedure was finished, she let us know that the surgery was more challenging than she had expected. With the damage to Lena's eye, 3rd optical nerve and eye muscles, we weren't that surprised. I think we've heard something similar throughout this process. It seems that everything related to Lena's tumor and the outcomes have been more challenging and just not routine. Dr. Edmond does believe that the surgery was successful though and that is what matters most right now.

We went to the recovery area once they brought us back to find Lena sleeping. The nurse let us know that she had woken up briefly and was pretty agitated. They gave her some pain medication and she fell back asleep. It was hard to imagine because although Lena cried after her last surgery, she didn't seem overly agitated. Oh, what a surprise for us when she woke up again. Lena began screaming and crying. Although we were warned, it was unnerving to watch as blood flowed from her eye instead of tears. I'm sure they were tears with bood mixed in but it looked like pure blood. Britt had a moment of panic caling for the nurse but I think he just didn't hear her when she was explaining that it was to be expected. Lena did not want to be comforted and was beyond agitated. She was kicking, screaming and crying. My heart was breaking as I'm sure Britt's was but we knew that a lot of the reactions were from the anesthetic. What we weren't expecting was when Lena began crying out that her eye wouldn't open. I think the whole room heard my gasp as I realized what had happened.

Somewhere along the way, Lena must have thought that this surgery was going to "fix" her eye and allow her to open her eyelid. Up until now she has accepted so much of what has happened to her with a calm strength that is unusual for a 6 year-old. I think we finally reached the breaking point. She was so mad when I told her that this surgery was not to fix her eyelid. She screamed that I was the "meanest mommy ever." I just thought my heart had broken before. Now it was crushed. Not only had she thought that this surgery would fix everything, I couldn't tell her that it would ever be fixed. Lena kept asking when her eye would be opened, crying that it hurt and was itching, and screaming out that she wanted to go home.

For those of you that know Lena, you know she can be a "toot" at times and occasionally can be willful but overall, Lena has a calm quiet disposition. For her to be so angry and frustrated was somewhat shocking. But here's the thing, just as my moments have come when I've lost it and broken down, I think it was time for her. She has held up so amazingly and been so strong through everything she's gone through. I think that for her emotional health, it was good for her to be allowed the freedom to lose it as well. Who am I to think that she doesn't need that outlet and need to know it is okay to be upset and angry? Although it hurt to watch it happen, I'm almost relieved that it did. After a while of letting loose, Lena finally came to sit in my lap, drank a little apple juice and fell back asleep. Soon after we were released to go home. She fell asleep immediately in the car and slept the whole way home. Once in bed she slept for a few more minutes then woke up ready to watch some television.

Lena has eaten some dinner and watched some t.v. with her sisters. She's back in my bed now relaxing and getting ready for nighttime while Britt reads a book to Kira and Naia. She's good and again, hanging in there. I'll keep you all updated on her progress. She'll be home for a while recovering and then back for her post-op appointment on Friday.

Sidenote: A while back I wrote in a post about how we are adjusting to our "new normal". Here's an example of one way in which our lives have changed. On the way to school last week, Lena was singing the tune for Dr. Jean's "My Mother is a Baker". Instead of the words to the song as we know them, she was singing, "My brain it has a tumor, a tumor, a tumor, my brain it has a tumor and the doctor says, Bye-bye." Oh, what to think? Wow, my child can create her own lyrics to songs. That's damn impressive. Wow, my child is singing songs about brain tumors? That's just flat out intriguing. Maybe I should send some new lyrics to Dr. Jean for a follow-up medical album release? :)

All is good and we've made it over another hurdle. Recovery now and her follow-up MRI in about 2 weeks... We're getting there. Love you my friends, my family. Holland