We knew today was coming and I knew that Lena was going to be nervous. Over the past week, I've had conversations with her and her sisters about school beginning. We talked about how they are first and foremost responsible for taking care of one another. That's always been our motto. When I dropped them off at school each morning last year I'd ask each girl in turn, "Kira. Who are you going to take care of today?" She would reply, "Lena and Naia." "Lena, who are you going to take care of today?" Her response, "Kira and Naia." And then I'd ask the third, "Naia, who are you going to take care of today?" "Kira and Lena," would be her reply. So, this was really no different except we discussed how people might treat or react to Lena's appearance. Granted, I didn't bring this up. The girls brought up the idea of someone making fun of her so that led to these discussions.
I also spent time talking with Lena about how children or adults might ask her questions about her hair, her scar, her eye. We role-played different responses she might give which included:
- I had surgery. (Although we also talked about how a lot of kids wouldn't understand what this meant.)
- I got sick.
- I don't want to talk about it right now.
We figured those would pretty much cover what she might want to start with and if she wanted to give more information, she could. She knows a lot about what's happening to her.
Last, we had several conversations regarding wearing her sunglasses to school. This was the toughest. Her dad figured if she was allowed by the school, we should let her. I felt fairly adamently against this. This ended up being a decision I debated all day in my head today. Yes, Lena is supposed to get glasses that will have an attachment that will pull up her eyelid when she is wearing them. Yes, Lena will have surgery to place her eye forward so that she doesn't have double vision. Yes, we are taking steps in hopes that Lena will be able to see out of her left eye. But, she won't always have her glasses. This is who she is. This is her life and this is what she needs to learn to accept so that she can accept all that she is and all that she can become. I both want to shield her and also want to give her the tools she needs, including confidence, so that she has self-acceptance. I think this will be the best thing we could do for her in the long run. I imagine she won't have the surgery for a while and will need time to recover before wearing her new glasses so should we allow her or encourage her to wear the sunglasses at school during that time? Should we start treating her differently and giving her special treatment? Should we provide that means of allowing her to hide who she is? Tough questions and there probably isn't a right or wrong answer. All I know is that I feel fairly strongly that she accept that no matter what, she is beautiful, intelligent and my angel.
So, after all of these talks, I thought we were ready to begin first grade. I knew it might be a little tough this morning but I had no idea. As soon as we were in the car on the way to school Lena told me her tummy hurt, her head hurt, everything hurt. I knew she was anxious and worried. When we got there she gripped my hand as we walked down to the cafeteria. Once there she kept her head bent down with her chin towards her chest and wouldn't make eye contact with anyone. Once seated, she turned her body so the child next to her couldn't see her. My heart was breaking. My tough brave child looked completely defeated and it was only 7:30.
I took the girls to their homeroom where their wonderful teacher, Ms. Torres, waited for them and greeted them with smiles and hugs. I got Naia and Kira settled but Lena wouldn't let go. She told me she didn't feel good and if I let her come home, she promised to come back to school in a few days. I took her into the hallway and held her close and reminded her of all we had talked about. I promised her it would be all right. I was going to be back around lunch to help out so told her I would pop in to say hello. She didn't cry. She didn't whine. She just asked me not to leave her. That was all it took. From years in education, I know the best thing to do is to make sure your child knows you love them and that they're safe. And then you leave. That's what I did. I hugged her and let her hug me. I kissed her and told her I loved her. I told her that her sisters would be near. And then I left.
I barley made it to the front office before the tears started spilling. I walked by the principal, Ms. P., and asked if I could go to her office. Before I even got through the door, I was melting down. My heart was just hurting so bad. My little girl was hurting and I knew that this would be one of the worst days for her. But I also knew that she would make it through. She would be okay. The staff at Outley will keep an eye out for her. Pam went to check on her. Her teacher would get her engaged in activities and build a community within the class. I knew this but it didn't stop me from just losing it. And I did lose it... completely.
There wasn't much to do except accept and spend my day wondering if I had made the right decisions. There were moments when I wasn't sure and thought that on Wednesday she could wear her sunglasses if she was still that worried. But then I knew, it was the only choice I think I could live with right now. I want her to stand tall. I want Lena to reach her full potential and I want her to be a strong young lady and woman when she grows up. Do I want my 6 year-old to be hurt? No, but she will be at some point. I don't want her to get teased but eventually that will probably happen too. I don't want anything bad to ever come near her, Kira or Naia. But as a mother, I know that it isn't possible to place them in a bubble. She is in a wonderful environment surrounded by people who love her. She has friends in her classroom as well as her sisters. It didn't make it any easier to get through the day but I did. And you know what? She did too. I don't for a minute think it was easy for her and it was probably harder facing her peers than most of what she went through at the hospital but she didn't cry- not once. She was happy to leave school for the day when I picked them up but she wasn't so upset or sad that she complained. She knows she'll be going back on Wednesday and she's ready. She told me she really liked her first grade teacher so, "Thank you, Ms. Torres." I know as teachers we all want to make a difference and it isn't always easy to tell if we do. You did today. You not only made a difference to Lena. You made a difference for Kira, Naia and their Mommy.
I'll still write in the next few days when I get a chance but I want to share something that goes along with the story. I lost it today and it was okay. I've been a crying mess before and I have no doubt I'll have more to come. But it was good. There's always a lesson to be learned. I'm not a pretty crier. My eyes get bloodshot and I'm just a mess. But I don't mind so much now. I think if my child went through all that and I didn't cry, that would make me worried. If I didn't second guess my decisions, that would be a mistake along the way. If I didn't want to protect and save her, that would mean my heart was closed. So, it wasn't fun and I don't want to do it again at the school but I'll give myself this one. It was bound to happen sooner or later. :)
You are one awesome mom!
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